The REAL Top Ten List Every College Freshmen Needs (w. COVID-19 updates)

I first published this list in 2012. Every year, I get requests for the link. Everything on the original list still applies—education, the college experience part anyway, is timeless, after all—but in this post-COVID world, I though an update or two might help. So, with revisions, here’s the 2020 version of “The REAL Top Ten List Every College Freshman Needs:”

Every year, essays appear in a wide variety of formats and publications containing lists, tips, hints, and suggestions to prepare rising college freshmen for the experience. In general, they’re decent suggestions, but at their core, they avoid telling these students what they really need to hear. Ergo, they commit lies of omission.

This year, I’m feeling benevolent (must be my advancing age). Just in time for the new semester, I’m going to share my ten essential things—rules, if you will—every rising college freshman really needs to know about the higher learning experience.

1 Most importantly, understand that—unlike public high school teachers—your college professor is not judged or rewarded based on how many of his or her students pass at a standardized level of competency. In fact, it’s the opposite. Our bosses expect us to fail a certain numbers of students to insure our classes maintain rigorous standards. However, we are only scorekeepers when it comes to grades, you get what you earn. We already have our degrees, which means we know this crap already, it’s up to you to show us that you now know it, too.

2. That big building with all the books? It’s a library. You should find it relatively early in the semester. Yes, it’s a great place for an afternoon nap, but if you wander around a bit, you’ll find other useful things. You may think librarians a bit meek, but college librarians are better prepared for the zombie apocalypse than anyone else on campus. If you walk up to one and say something like, “Y’all ain’t got no books about this Shakespeare dude, and my research paper is due in an hour,” you will wish—no, beg for actual zombies to rip you apart but they won’t because, as the nice librarian has subtly insinuated, zombies want brains and you obviously have none. Be kind to the librarians and they will be kind to you. They know things you need to know.

2A. All the benefits of that big building with all the books is also available virtually. What’s more, through your college library’s portal, you can get to practically all the academic information that’s ever been published. I’m old, I don’t understand it either, but it’s like some sort of Hogwarts—Star Wars voodoo where all the 5G innerweb technology opens the gate to much more than TikTok videos. Your librarians know the way to this magical place where better grades can be found.

3. Go to class. If you miss one, do not ask the professor later “if she covered anything important while you were out.” Contrary to what you might believe, she is not being entirely serious when she answers, “why no, Brittany, since you weren’t there, we cancelled class.”

3A. Go to class virtually, if it’s offered. You don’t have to wear pants; technically, you don’t even have to get out of bed, just adjust the camera angle on your laptop or phone and do your best to remember that camera angle and your state of dress, or undress, before you roll out of the bunk to answer nature’s call.

4. Thursday night is “college night” at every bar in every college town in this country. Professors know this; we were college students once. Professors also enjoy the occasioal adult bevearge, mainly because students miss class and then ask us if we covered anything important. Point being, college professors are professionals, we have no problem teaching with a hang-over, so we expect your rapt attention when you’re hung-over, as well.

5. Continuing the hung-over in class motif, if you’re gonna sleep in class, just stay in bed (see #3). Sitting in class with ear buds will only piss off the professor (see #1, especially the sentence about failing students). Don’t text—yes, we know what you’re doing, only perverts and porn stars look at their crotch and smile and if you do so, don’t be surprised when your professor asks which of those two is your preferred lifestyle.

5A. During a ZOOM class, if you turn off the video and simply post a picture of your smiling face, it may take a while, but your professor will eventually figure out you’ve not changed expressions for the last ten minutes and that professor will call on you to answer a question.

6. That syllabus thing all the professors hand out the first day, the one with all the dates and assignments on it? Read it, it’s a contract. Think of it the same as that little “How To Care for Your New Tattoo” card they’ll hand you after that first ink you’ll invariably get during welcome weekend. Likewise, if you don’t heed the advice therein, things could get messy later.

7. Due dates and start dates are not the same thing. In most instances, due dates and start dates should be more than one day apart. If you’re capable of spending all week planning the week’s beer pong event; you’re capable of starting that paper a few days in advance.

8. There is a direct correlation between the “freshmen fifteen” and beer pong or related “adult beverage” activities. Also, joining the universal Pi Tappa Keg or Pi Coppa Buzz fraternity / sorority rarely leads to the Dean’s List. Or to graduation. This is not to suggest puritanically abstaining from partying. Not at all, but college is about learning—and learning how to party effectively is the goal (Hint—look up the word “moderation” Or ask a librarian).

9. Wearing your pajamas to that a.m. class is the equivalent of two duck- billed platypuses mating. Nobody wants to see that.

9A. Please refer to rules 3A & 5A for information on ZOOM class decorum and dress code.

9B. WEAR YOUR MASK AND WASH YOUR HANDS. Yes, sharing is caring, but the college campus community is not like social mediums—some things really are better kept to yourself.

10. Do not—DO NOT—whine to your professor, librarian, college administrator, lab instructor, or anyone in housekeeping that “it’s just not fair, I’m so stressed, I have too much to do, everything’s due at the same time, how do they expect us to get everything finished.” You’re in college, and you’re an undergrad. When you’re in grad school, taking graduate level classes, teaching 120 students as a TA for practically no money, working a part time job for even less money, and trying to organize the weekly grad student beer pong tournament…when you have a real job, with a real boss, and a husband, and two whiny kids, a dog with worms, a car payment, a mortgage, a mysterious and increasing ache deep in your abdomen and no health insurance… Then you can talk about being too busy, about having too much to do. Then you can talk about stress.