Where's My Flying Car?
Ok, Boomers, the future is now (did I use that correctly? I’m trying to stay hip up in here, dawg) and it arrived downstairs in the library this week: it’s a vending machine…for academic communities. I know, I know—it boggles the mind, doesn’t it? What’ll they think of next? This is the perfect blending of utilitarian form and function, target marketing, and good, old ‘Murican, git her done ingenuity.
And already, the students are drawn to this thing like a hipster to a luke-warm PBR.
I guess so, this vending machine has everything the successful college student might need. Forget your USB charging cable? Press A1 and you are back in business. And in a stroke of genius product placement, the adapter to actually plug in the charger waits in the A2 slot. There’s a four pack of yellow highlighters, a single red Sharpie, a four pack of multi-colored fine point pens and a ten-pack of the always dependable Bic pens—the clear kind with the plastic pointy cap you can use as a fidget spinner on the desktop.
But wait, there’s more: need scissors? C5. Plain 4x6 index cards? B4. Colored-coded index cards are E4. Pistachios? M&M’s (peanut flavored, not the real ones)? Oreos? You betcha. The eager and always prepared student may even purchase a ten-pack of Real Wood Pencils (yes, you read that correctly, real wood, it says it right on the package).
It’s like a section from Tim O-Brien’s classic, The Things They Carried, only better because you don’t have to carry it, you can just grab it from the vending machine when you need it. Post it notes, a stapler, Three Musketeers, large paper clips, small paper clips, chap stick, a touch screen stylus for the throw-back hipster Gen Z’er ironically using a Palm Pilot, tape, double A batteries, triple A batteries, white board spray cleaner with eraser, a microfiber screen cleaner shaped like a teddy bear (or maybe a puppy, hard to tell) that doubles as an emotional support animal during exams.
A3 holds a small pack of #10 envelopes. I’m skeptical about this one. Seeing a college student use snail mail is about as likely as seeing one of them talking on their phone. But by Socrates, if you need a snail mail envelope, there’s one in there.
No cash? No problem. This thing takes Mastercard, Visa, American freaking Express. Google Pay and Apple Pay, too, whatever that is. It seems, though, these options are dated and Boomer/GenX-centric. I overheard a student lamenting the lack of a Venmo option (don’t ask me, I don’t know, but apparently, it’s a thing).
Ok, Boomer, the students are mumbling again at this point. Whatever (did I use it right that time?). Maybe they have a point; maybe they don’t. All I’m saying is that after watching The Jetsons every Saturday morning, we expected flying cars and vending machines that fed us, dressed us, and handed us our briefcases by now. Instead, we get Post-it Notes and real wood pencils.
Y’all be kind out there…
Sunflower Dog, releases April 7th, 2020. Pre-orders available Mar 2nd. Sign up for my newsletter to get monthly updates about the book, appearances, and merch opportunities. It’s easy, just click here.