The Allegory of the Technology

Disclaimer: For future reference, this post is fictional, like a short story. Here are a couple things to keep in mind: good fiction tells the truth and just because a work of fiction has a first person narrator, it does not mean the story is about the author.

I technologize, therefore I exist. Right?

Lately, that existence has come into question. The unnamed corporation for which I work added a new level of administration—a new VP at the top of the HR Department, which led to a rapid exodus of the long-time HR folks reporting to the new position. Now HR, as we all know, stands for Human Relations. In the old days, those words fit. I, we, could call or drop by HR when we needed help with our deductions or had a question about a form, or insurance, or just to say high. We could drop off a printed copy of our evaluations or turn in a vacation requested form, pick up our check or W2s. Those were good times, simple times, and those were good people.

Admittedly, the speed with which those good people split should’ve been my first indicator. But, yeah…well. Nonetheless, the new VP set about hiring replacements and making an indelible and lasting mark by bringing this corporation kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. How, you ask? Well by taking the “human” out of Human Resources, of course—let’s automate!

Yay. What’s the old saying—I’m from IT and this new program is gonna make your life better? Buckle-up buckaroo, here it comes.

Now, everything—Every.Thing—runs through this new platform. I no longer get a statement of my direct deposited check, I have to view it on The Platform. Want a vacation day? Ask The Platform. Sick day? You guessed it. Performance evaluation? Yep. And now HR tells us job descriptions, mission statements, goals and objectives, continuing ed—all needs to be updated and posted on The Platform.

Okay, I thought, I dig technology. I surf that world wide web. I can Twitter and Facetube. I even teach a class twice a year on Using Technology in the Auction Business. And I’ve always held technology was a tool, and like any tool, it can and should make our jobs easier, more efficient. So, sure, I’d play along.

The first couple months were rough, but I was figuring out everything okay for an old guy, I thought. Put in for a sick day when I had a doctor’s appointment; managed to print my pay statements a couple times. Then, I tried to sign into the platform as usual only to get several messages stating The Platform had no record of my existence. I called the number, got the obligatory robo-machine telling me to press one for this two for that. I pressed them all then entered my information. Each time, the same: no record exists, contact your administrator.

Okay. HR, I thought. Human Resources can help. I got the most human of responses: here’s the number for The Platform, call them. Oh, HR, bless your hearts.

I’ve become the shadow on the wall of the cave. An illusion.

The Little One has a saying they use in her Pre-K class: you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit. I like this philosophy. It’s become a mantra in my daily life. So, you know all those things HR wants me to post on The Platform? They want them posted by end of this month. Think I’m gonna print hard copies of all the work I’ve done, bound them in a neat booklet with You Get What You Get And You Don’t Pitch A Fit printed in 32 pt. comic sans on the cover and drop it off in person. If anybody complains, I’ll say, “What? This thing? It doesn’t exist. Contact your administrator for help.”