This Is Not Grade Thirteen

Well friends and neighbors, the number of class meetings left has crossed the single digit threshold, and the semester’s end is in sight. You know what that means—the “Begging For Extra Credit Season” has commenced. In the “Early Bird Gets the Worm” Category,” this email from an ambitious freshman greeted me this morning:

Hey, this is WXYZ GFEDCBA from your REM ### class.and is there some things i can do for extra credit so I wanted to know is anything I can that can get my class grade up. Enough for a c I don’t need an a just a c. And could you email me cause I ain’t been feeling to good and mihgt not be at class.

Want a peak behind the glamourous professor’s curtain to see how the magic happens? Let’s unpack this email to learn the scholarly considerations that led to my response.

Hey—we discussed the proper way to begin emails to a college instructor on the third day of class. Let me check…ah, didn’t make it that day. No worries, I allow three excused absences and you did email me later with the classic “did I miss anything,” so I’ll cut you some slack. And thanks, it means the world to me that you think I evoke the we’re best buds vibe. Next sentence.

this is WXYZ GFEDCBA from your REM ### class—wait, who? I admit it now takes me until about fall break to put student’s names and faces together, but this one is drawing a blank so I refer to the official class roster in CANVAS again. Hmm. Interesting. Haven’t seen this young scholar since the second day of class. Good to know.

and is there some things i can do for extra credit so I wanted to know is anything I can that can get my class grade up—huh? Let’s see, we’ve got a tense error, capitalization problem, comma mistake, fused sentence, garbled nonsensical word choice and sentence structure, and for the win you end the “sentence” with a preposition. Let me check—yep, we’ve covered every single one of those in class.

Enough for a c I don’t need an a just a c—this is, it’s a, hmm. Yes, these are all words. I appreciate your honesty. I think.

And could you email me cause I ain’t been feeling to good and mihgt not be at class—Sure thing, I got u fam. I’mma hit you right back.

My dear friend and colleague, Linda Stedje-Larson (since retired and missed daily), had a great response for such scholars. She’d serenely smile while listening to their plight then matter-of-factly tell them, “This is not grade thirteen, this is college,” before sending them on their way.

I can hear her voice as I begin my email and try to channel her in my response. But, those were different times, a different caliber of student, and I’m a pushover.

Dear WXYZ GFEDCBA, I begin.

Thank you for your email requesting extra credit to improve your grade. There are two options available. One, open a worm-hole in the space-time continuum, go back to the beginning of the semester and attend all the classes; and two, turn in all the work on the appropriate due dates.

I re-read what I’ve written before hitting “send” and realize it’s a bit mean-spirited. Better revise.

Dear WXYZ GFEDCBA,

Thank you for your email. No.

Sincerely,

Winchester

p.s. REM ### is offered next semester and during both summer sessions.