The End Is In Sight!

I’m one of those people who has a soundtrack running through my brain most all the time. Some tunes are random, causing me to blurt out a favorite lyric at the wrong time. Other times the songs are situation specific— someone says something or something happens that spurs a fitting number. But most times, the playlist is nostalgic: it rises from a special time in my life.

Well, we’ve reached one of those special times here on campus. It’s the end of the semester—Exam Time! Today is Reading Day: the traditional day on college campus set aside for reading and studying. It falls the day after classes end and before exams begin. A more accurate definition is “Sobering Up Day.” Once these budding Einsteins regain minimal cognitive function, the emails…and on rare occasion, the office visits…begin. The requests all follow the same pattern. What are those, you ask? Good question; I’m happy to deconstruct that pattern for you. Here goes:

Hey, I’m so and so from your blah-blah-blah class means: you’ve not seen me since early in the semester, but we tight, you know, and yeah, I’ve been busy drinking and partying, but you get it ‘cause you’re the GOAT (greatest of all time), so I know you’re gonna help me out.

Choose from the following (the creative, bold, and confident may mix and match): When’s the exam? / Can I get extra credit? / What should I study for the exam? / Is there gonna be a curve? Means: It just occurred to me that I’m gonna have to explain my grade to my coaches, parents, future fast food manager (this one’s reserved for the Art History, Philosophy, English majors) and while I’m no math whiz nerd, I think there’s an outside chance I’m not doing so well grade-wise.

Choose from the following (the creative, bold, and confident may mix and match): I need a C to play next semester / I need to pass at least one class / I signed the FERPA and my parents can see my grade (reserved for Freshman) / I need a A- to avoid academic probation means: Oh shit! “They” are gonna kill me when “they” see my grades.

Just let me know what I need to turn in or do to make that happen and I’ll get it done means: This is all your fault. I have no more intention of doing it now than I did of coming to class, taking notes, turning in the assignments, or keeping up with that syllabus thing. I’m mommy’s/daddy’s special starburst and this email/visit gives me plausible deniability as I can now say I asked for help and you wouldn’t help me.

Cue the music. Ray Charles’ Crying Time (yes, it’s a Buck Owens tune, but I like RC’s version best) starts playing. I do take some liberties with the original lyrics, though. Creative license, you know. Mine goes something like this, feel free to sing along:

It’s crying time again, semester’s over

I can see that faraway look in your eyes.

It’s too late, exams are fast approaching,

And it won’t be long before it’s cryin’ time.

I haven’t seen you since the first week classes started.

You’ve slipped no assignments beneath my office door.

And as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow,

Crying time will start when I post your final score.

Yep, that’s me—molding tomorrow’s leaders today.

My novel, Sunflower Dog, releases April 7th, 2020. Sign up for my newsletter to get monthly updates about the book, appearances, and merch opportunities. It’s easy, just click here.